The Guidebook
by P.L.S
Summary: Harry Potter is 17 and ready to get away, but upon finding a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, he finds out that maybe getting away is going to be more trouble than it's worth.
1. The Universe is Big

Title: The Guidebook

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or anything else I might infringe upon.

Summery: Harry Potter has found a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe (the next generation of guides.) He doesn't know that in fact the Universe edition isn't finished, or really written and that by opening the book he has been hired as a writer for this book. No real training, no real plan, no real idea of just how big the universe is. Just the words Don't Panic' to guide him.

Rating: Not too bad.

Author's Note: Blame the movie- I got my inspiration back. Damn that Alan Rickman, he did Marvin far too well. Better than he does Snape at least.

ooOooOoo

Prologue- The Universe is Big

Harry looked around the bookshop, to for anything in particular, but to stave off the boredom of having to come with his Aunt Petunia everywhere. After that threat from Moody, Remus, and Tonks neither of his guardians let him more than five yards away for more than fifteen minutes. He wandered among the totally mundane shelves, trying not to think, and looking at the various titles. He even found most of his divination textbooks were sold in the new age section, and now he was looking at the travel guide books. Among all the orange, green, and other bright colours, there was a dull looking black book. Taking it out, he noted that it really didn't look like any typical book he had ever seen. He smiled. There were two words written in friendly yellow block lettering- DON'T PANIC'. He fingered the leather pouch he used as a wallet and eyed the price sticker on the book, he had just enough quid to by the unusual but very welcoming book. He looked for his aunt who was at the register paying for the cookbook and a few other items, with his face blank of emotion but tempered by his slight smile, he joined her and purchased his newest book.

The clerk looked surprised at his choice, but he told her he had been picking up odd books all summer. In point of fact he asked if the author of How To Survive The Worst Case Scenario' (which he did in fact have- a gag gift from Hermione) had any other books published. The clerk answered, recommended trying the game version of the book, rang up the charge, and gave Harry his change. Together he and his aunt went home. He noted his aunt seemed a bit pleased that he was fitting in so well with normal' people, which was something Harry kept in mind. He was very good at fitting in no matter where he was, though. It was one of the many reasons he was a snake in a lion's coat, a Slytherin who begged to be a Gryffindor.

As he was trying to get to sleep at a decent hour for once, he opened the book. Well, it seemed like a book. Now that it was open, Harry thought it was more like a prop from a science fiction movie, a purely informative computer. He opened the book and it changed into a flat white panel stretched between two halves of a black cylinder, not unlike some of the scrolls he had used in Hogwarts when the History essays got very obscure and arcane. The top half had those friendly words and Harry knew that it was going to be okay.

Words started to appear, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide To The Universe, which was obviously this futuristic book's title. Then there was the following, Complete with Babel Fish and Towel for the beginning hitchhiker!' Under those there was a small list of areas to look at; How To Start To Use This Thing, Table of Topics, Table of Contents, Table of Galaxies, Table of Appendixes, Table of Atlases, Table of Languages, Glossary, Index, and finally, Credits. Under those the small words, To chose a section, touch the selection.'

Harry wisely picked How To Start To Use This Thing'. He panel changed and he started to learn about this odd book, which was quite normal for a book in other parts of the galaxy. He found out about the Ultimate' version's special features and how to get his Babel Fish and use it. He also learned about the guidelines for hitchhiking across the universe, the temporal and spacial differences in effect since the Improbability Drive was invented, and that his book had analyzed his mind and found it compatible and able to upload information from the Guide if he so wished. He tested it out with that section and sure enough, he woke up that morning knowing how to be a hitchhiker and use his book to it's fullest. He also now knew the warning about uploading directly from his book, he had to becareful of his memory's limits.

-(O)-

Harry walked through the library, looking at the titles. He smiled slightly at his idea, his guide had told him how to order a blank information comp-book from the Intergalactic Supply House For Permanent Residents From Other Worlds, or better known as the Supply House. Soon his order should be coming in with his owl, Hedwig. The book had the memory to rival the library of Hogwarts and he was planning on downloading the library so he could go and hitchhike without worrying too much about what he knew about magic.

He had ordered four of the books, one for magic, one for muggle information, and two for any books he might come across as he traveled through the stars. Harry smiled at the thought of finally getting to go do something that was just for him, not because he aunt made him, not to be the Boy-Who-Lived, and not because he wanted to live up to his image of what his parents might want. He was going to backpack across the universe to learn, have fun, and forget about all the bad things he had seen and done. Hermione was at her table, studying for NEWTS, something Harry was planning on skipping out on.


	2. Rtwenghatian Philosophy

The Guidebook

Author's Note: What makes crossover authors so different that they see the connections betwixt media and more? What makes them wonder just what Snape would do if confronted by the Metatron or by Marvin the Maniacally Depressed Robot? What makes them come up with the idea of Sailor Mercury getting hit on by Son Gohan who is on the search for Danny Phantom?

Well, don't look at me, us crossover writers don't have a farking clue either.

Summery- Harry Potter has found a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe (the next generation of guides.) He doesn't know that in fact the Universe edition isn't finished, or really written and that by opening the book he has been hired as a writer for this book. No real training, no real plan, no real idea of just how big the universe is. Just the words Don't Panic' to guide him.

ooOooOoo

Chapter One- Rtwenghatian Philosophy

Harry was astonished to find out just how easy it was to get off of Earth. He took one day during Winter Hols to go to several bookstores, libraries, and other stores. The bookshops and libraries (dark, light, and muggle) were downloaded into Harry's second and third condensed scroll-like book, the other stores were to pick up various supplies, oddities, and his towel (which no hitchhiker should be without.) The next he took a taxi out to the middle of a field and stuck out his thumb.

It took a half hour but then he was picked up, literally, by a pink and orange striped ship with a lime green seal of the Rtwenghatian Royal College of Philosophy and Other Dead and Useless Subjects that Idiots and People With No Common Sense Study, better known as just the last place a parent wants to see their kid end up. Harry didn't know that until he was dropped in the lap of the researcher who picked him up, Yhu Si Huggontio.

Harry's greeting to the three eyed, dark yellow and puce spotted research assistant and student of Rtwenghatian Logic went something like this, AHHHHHHGGGG! OH MY FREEEAKING GODDDD!

Thankfully Yhu had forgotten that Earthmen spoke in various languages and thus forgot her Babel Fish. By the time she found it Harry had gotten himself under control and lied through his teeth and said it was a greeting of great respect and thanks. Otherwise she might have been offended and tossed him out into space.

Where are you headed?I'm not really sure. You know, I just wanted to go away for a bit. Where are you going? asked Harry, thanking all deities that ever existed that he was still a closet Slytherin and thus was able to look interested and respectful while he was inwardly wondering just what she had done in a past life to turn up so ugly.

Well, really I should be doing research on the nature of Effect, but I think I can argue my way out of doing it. So I'm going to Arenshood.

Harry quickly looked up Arenshood in the Guidebook. _Arenshood- Arenshood is a planet known only for it's complete lack of mirrors and the blind attendants in charge of the resorts which are the main income of the area. It's a popular stop and vacation spot among the geeks and freakishly deformed college students and computer programmers. Tips: Avoid._ Ah, er, do you think you're going to stop before then?Maybe, I do need to pick up some things. I guess I'll stop at Yujilio, it's got a great sweets store and I donno, maybe you'll find another ride there. she said with what could have been a shrug. Harry nodded.

Okay. So, er, what is the nature of Effect?You don't what to know.Why not?Because that's the essence of almost all Rtwenghatian philosophy?The nature of Effect?Then what?Not wanting to know.Why don't you want to know?Because if you know, you understand.Why is that not a good thing?Because if you understand, then you feel like you gave to help everyone else understand. It's all a great mess, really. Harry really didn't get it, but then he supposed maybe that was the point, not to get it. By the time they landed in Yujilio, Harry had a headache, because his brain just kept going in circles and in the end it took three very weird drinks of something quite foul to stop his brain from trying to understand the Rtwenghatian philosophy of not understanding.

He finally came to the conclusion that it was why parents never wanted to send their kids to the Rtwenghatian Royal College of Philosophy and Other Dead and Useless Subjects that Idiots and People With No Common Sense Study. He also resolved never to take a ride with one of their students or professors again. It simply was too much to think about.


End file.
